Loki is a caring and compassionate guardian for those He loves, and sometimes He prefers to teach through tales and stories, because He likes words, He likes to express Himself and He likes to talk – especially if you ask the right questions … and my inner child has a lot of questions. So here is a little conversation that poured out of my pen one night – a conversation between my inner child and her – uhm – Guardian God, in this case, not Guardian Angel – about God, transformation, suffering, free will and ultimate freedom.
The warm breeze brushed over her cheeks, ruffling her hair and his hand gently tucked the loose strands behind her ear. Lokelani’s* head rested in Loki’s lap, and she opened her eyes to look up at him when she felt his touch. Loki gave her a warm, comforting smile. The girl’s eyes studied his face for a while before she muttered, “You are nothing like we humans imagine you to be.” Loki raised an eyebrow. “Would you care to elaborate on this?” “Well, you know, I read a lot of things about you. Myths and stories. Most of us do not see you as a benevolent God. Some even see you as downright -” she hesitated before she said, “evil.” He simply looked at Lokelani, the corners of his mouth turning ever so slightly upwards, while he waited for her to continue. “Some see you as a trickster, as someone who takes advantage of others and is not necessarily trustworthy. Others imagine you as dominant, demanding, unpredictable, dangerous, destructive and chaotic” She smiled apologatically, “Sounds pretty bad, I know.” Loki smirked. “Sounds intriguing. So, tell me, why would that not be in accordance with who I am?” He asked, the smile still on his face and his eyes on hers. She sighed, “Because you are loving, compassionate, tender-hearted and kind. You have never done anything to harm me, you always supported me and helped me. It feels like everything you do, you do out of love.” “Because you let me” he said. “What do you mean?” Loki combed his fingers through her hair. “I am all those things humans imagine me to be” he said, “and much more. I am inconceivable to the human mind. Whatever one needs from me to serve me, I will give. If they want me to be dominant, even brutal, I will be. I will break them open if necessary and expose them to face their own ignorance. But, eventually, they will find my compassion.” “Then why have you been showing me only kindness?” “Because it is what you ask from me, and what you give. You are willing to let me mould you, transform you the way I choose. You surrender to me not out of fear or passion, but out of love. To a heart that sees only love and kindness in me, I give exactly what it needs to love me more. A teacher does not and cannot only make demands on a student. It is a reciprocal relationship. He gives according to the student’s needs, so that the student can grow, otherwise he would not make a good teacher. The heart is humble, because love never seeks to control and I cannot counter humility with anything else but love. Those who approach me with their heart, will find in me a trustworthy friend, an affectionate lover or a protective parent – or all of the above. Those who fear me, will find a God they can fear. Those who want to be dominated by me, will find me that way.” “This explanation gives shapeshifter a whole new meaning” Lokelani said and Loki chuckled softly. “The ones who are willing to love me, are willing to transform their nature. They aspire to free themselves from the bondage of the lower realms. When you chose me as your God, you gave me permission to wreak you exactly the way you need to achieve that goal.” “Whoa, wait, the human in me has a bit of trouble keeping up here … I – chose you as my God?” A smug smile appeared on his face as he took in Lokelani’s perplexed facial expression. “Well, more or less consciously,” he said in the soft voice, filled with patience, that he always used when he wanted her to pay attention. “You were born to be under my protection or as you would say, you belong with me.” Lokelani’s gaze wandered up to the clear blue sky above and it took a moment before she asked, “So what does that mean exactly?” There was a pause. “It means that you are mine and no matter where in the nine realms you go, there is no escape from my grasp,” Loki whispered in a deep growl, teasing her, and earned himself an affectionate punch in his side. “Well, at least I chose a God with a sense of humour,” Lokelani growled back. “God always has a sense of humour, it is your human minds that imagine him strict and terrifying. For some reason quite a few of you indulge in the need to be punished.” “Because we are so imperfect and impure!” she blurted out and Loki gave her a stern look. “Tell me, Lokelani, where did that belief come from? God? I doubt it. If you ever say or think that about yourself again, I will definitely punish you.” Lokelani pulled off a pretend fearful expression which made Loki laugh, but he fell silent when he sensed her growing serious. “What does it really mean, Loki, that I belong with you?” She asked again. “Are you still concerned that you could end up as my eternal slave?” She frowned. “I just do not wish to be controlled by anyone anymore.” “And, have I ever tried that? To control you?” Lokelani shook her head, still there was this nagging little voice in her head. “You still doubt me.” Loki voiced her thoughts. “I do not wish to doubt you, yet I have this feeling of impending doom somewhere in the back of my mind. That you will turn on me, when I served my purpose.” As soon as the words were out, she regretted them. Loki had shown her nothing but kindness, affection and love. How could she say anything hurtful to him? The girl averted her eyes and sat up and Loki carefully placed his arms around her. “I know your feelings. I am aware of your doubt, Lokelani, there is no need to be ashamed to admit it.” She closed her eyes and felt his magic flowing around her soothingly. After all they had been through together, there was still doubt in her mind. Doubt that he would do something to hurt her, control her, to use her for his own advantage and then – abandon her. “Questioning your beliefs is good. It keeps you on your toes, never lets you take things for granted. But your doubt stems from fear. You need not fear me and you must not doubt yourself. All souls who take a body on Midgard, come from respective realms and thus are connected to different aspects of God. You came from my “family”, that is why you belong with me. My consciousness is more prominent in those who come from my family, so my consciousness is more prominent in you. This is what it means.” Then he added lightly, “I am sorry to break it to you, flower, but I fear that you will be stuck with me as your God for a long time, and I do not wish to unsettle your mind by mentioning words like – eternity.” His lightness eased her thoughts a little and Lokelani looked up at him, responding to Loki’s mischevious grin with a sweet smile. “Bound eternally to the God of Chaos … Well, my life’s pretty messed up now – but I guess, it could be worse.” He furrowed His brow, “How could it be?” “Well, I could be bound to the God of Thunder … that would be – far too noisy!” They laughed. “You are more than bound to me”, Loki said and placed a fatherly kiss on the top of her head, “You are part of me.”
Lokelani closed her eyes and Loki felt her mood shift. “Would you like to tell me what is bothering you now?” “You know what it is, you read my mind like an open book.” “Does it not make you feel better, when you can talk about it?” The girl sighed and nodded, she could not hide anything from Loki, because he understood her in ways that even she could not fathom. “Things I have been through, that have been hurtful and heart-breaking … traumatising …” she started and broke off, so Loki continued. “Have also made you grow, when you learned to accept them. They broke your ego, broke you open so you could heal”, he explained. “But they hurt!” “Because you were clinging onto your ideas of how life has to be. It is your attachment of wanting things in your own way, trying to control life, that makes you suffer. Life is not meant to be full of suffering, but as long as you dwell in polarities it will be.” Lokelani kept her eyes closed and whispered, “I was a child when I was raped. Tell me, was that just a “lesson” to break my ego?” It was Loki’s turn to heave a sigh and he pulled her closer, so that she was sitting on his lap. “Are you blaming me for letting these things happen to you?” She turned to face him. Loki searched her eyes and Lokelani shook her head. “I am not. I would simply like to understand why or how things like this happen to innocent children. How can God be so cruel?” His magic flowed around her in a gentle, warm embrace. “I am sorry” he whispered as he opened himself to her and let Lokelani see that all the pain she had endured in her life, Loki himself had felt it in exactly the same way. He suffered inside her suffering. “I wish nothing more for you than to be happy.” His voice was soft and comforting. “It is not in my nature to torture those I love, nor do I enjoy seeing them hurt. However, there are experiences I cannot intervene with, because of certain laws. And even though my nature is to break old worlds, so that the truth can shine brightly, it does not mean that my actions have no consequences for me. I experience things in and through you and rest assured that I did not just sit and watch when you suffered. There are laws in this universe that are beyond the understanding of the mind and I cannot make you comprehend the reasons why innocent creatures suffer like they do. I can only assure you that as a God I am not aloof to your suffering, I am going through it with you.” Lokelani felt the sincerity of his words. “The path of the God you belong to is not an easy path to tread on, because it forces you to face all those things inside yourself that keep you from seeing the truth. The true nature of your own being. All the things that keep you bound in darkness. My path is a path of transformation. It is the path of the ultimate Truth, and I will break you again, and again, as long as you hold wrong beliefs about yourself. But never doubt my love for you, Lokelani, never doubt my love for you.” She nestled closer to him, letting his magic shelter her, while Loki continued. “Someone gave humans a free will. It is like a game and one of the rules is that the Gods do not have the right to simply interfere whenever they see fit. We too are bound to laws.” Loki loosened his embrace as he felt her relax, and she leaned against his chest and listened to his heart for a while. “So, you felt the pain that I went through?” “I feel everything you go through. The more conscious you are of me, the more you surrender to me, the better I can mend things. If you can see pain as an experience I am having in and through you, it would make it easier for you. Those who can surrender to me will walk this path more easily, because I can hold on to them and catch them before they fall.” “Do I have to give up my free will if I surrender to you?” “You will align your free will with something higher, that guides you through life from a deeper wisdom. Life is like a river. Most people stand in the water fighting against the current, exhausting themselves and not getting anywhere. Then there are the ones who swim against the current, struggling hard to get upstream, yet they mostly stay in the same place. And then there is a third kind, who give up the struggle and let themselves be carried by the current, unafraid and ready to face whatever looms around the next corner. It could be a waterfall and you could fall to your doom. Yet, if these people can keep their faith and surrender, there will be no doom. They will go down the waterfall and emerge as something new, completely transformed.” “So, it is how we use our free will that determines the flow of our life.” He nodded. Lokelani pulled away to be able to look into his eyes. “That does not leave me much choice, does it? If I do not surrender, I will suffer?” Loki laughed softly. “It is not quite as black and white as your mind perceives it. Surrender is not something you do out of fear, or to avoid punishment. It is something that grows from love, from devotion. Your love for me and my love for you. Surrender means your becoming part and parcel of my reality, your oneness with me. You will not loose anything. You will only expand into something vaster, deeper and higher. Like a drop entering into the ocean. The drop does not loose its identity, it only becomes something much larger than it was before.” “Then, why am I afraid?” “Because you still identify with your finite consciousness, with duality, with your ego – and this is what I break, when I break you. Because I long to set you free.” Loki paused for a moment, before he said, “You know you belong to me?” She nodded. “Can you feel my love for you?” She nodded again. “Good. I claim you as my own, because I know you are part of me. One day you will be able to do the same. You will be able to claim me as your very own. Then there will be no more doubt, no more inferiority or insecurity, no more separation. Then you will realise who I really am and you will know who you truly are. You will cast off your earthly, finite shackles and gain true freedom.”
*Lokelani is a Hawaiian name and is not related to Loki’s name. He likes to use this name, or simply “flower”, when he refers to my inner child.